Idle Dreary Days

It was very different then, comedy in the 80s. What the comedy was in the 80s was a load of people and they all hated the Tories, and they went out to a place, and there was a guy on stage there, and he hated the Tories. And he’d go, “I hate the Tories!”, and the audience would go, “We hate the Tories as well!”, and they’d go home happy, 67 pence well spent.

It’s very different now, the comedy. I’ve seen some of it on the Roadshow on telly. It’s in stadiums now innit. What the comedy is now is a load of people, and they all hate their electrical appliances. And they go out to a place, and there’s a guy on stage there, and he hates his electrical appliances. And he goes, “I hate my electrical appliances!”, and the audience goes “We hate our electrical appliances as well!”, and they go home happy, forty-seven pounds fifty well spent.

“I hate my toaster, it’s only got two settings: black burned charcoal, or just warm bread”. It’s broken, innit. Mate, that toaster’s broken. They wouldn’t make a toaster like that. There’d be no market for it.

Observational Comedy:

Hey everyone, I gotta tell ya. I was watching TV yesterday, and I noticed something. You know what really sucks?: Observational Comedy.
Seriously. It really does.

Doesn’t Observational Comedy really suck? Shut up, I’m trying to tell a joke here.
You know how comedians, I mean stand up comics, you know, they’ll stand on the stage, and just talk to you about how they noticed something when they were, like, I dunno, mowing the lawn, or feeding the baby, or watching TV or something? Yeah, and then, like, they noticed it, and it totally isn’t funny, but then they get up on stage and start talking about it and everybody laughs? (pause) What’s up with that, am I right?

And, I mean you’ve got the classic cases, you know. “So how about that airline food?” Well, how about it, asshole? I don’t know anything about airline food! What if I’ve never even been on a plane, huh? I mean, I have, you know, I’m a comedian and everything, I travel. But I mean what if I’m an average, run-of-the-mill citizen from Nowhere, Iowa, and I’ve never been on a plane, let alone ever had the (apparently rather shitty) privilege of tasting their crummy food, huh? When you ask me what I think about airline food, what am I supposed to say? I don’t know!
Hell, I fly in planes all the time, and I don’t even eat airline food. I bring my own lunch! You know why?…I’ve been hearing from comedians for all these years, how shitty airline food is, I don’t even wanna fuckin’ taste it! So I pack a brown bag with a nice tuna salad sandwich and some green grapes! Thanks a lot, Observational Comedy!

I fucking hate airline food.
And it’s all Observational Comedy’s fault……..

But like I was saying, stand up comics, comedians I mean, they come up on the stage, stumble through all their sentences, you know their words, like, the words they’re saying, you know…and they- It’s almost like they make it up right there. It’s like they just get up on stage and say “look at me, I’m a comedian, and I’m talking about how I frosted my little sister’s Bar Mitzvah cake this morning, and got some icing on my shirt. Isn’t icing funny, guys?” I mean, I could sit here and talk about Observational Comedy all night folks, but you probably don’t want to hear all about that….Doesn’t look like anyone out here really cares though…hello?
So anyways, comedians, right?

Doesn’t airline food really suck? Liven up, I’m trying to tell a joke here.
Every now and then, I mean a lot of the time, but still, not all the time, but every here and there, you find one of those comedians who’s just a real asshole? The kind of guy who turns statements into questions, midway through the sentence? Yeah, I fuckin’ hate that. In fact, the worst kind of comedian is the kind that uses “I fuckin’ hate that” as the main joke in their Observational Comedy routine. I mean, get some fuckin’ jokes, asshole, am I right? And self reference? Don’t even get me started on that.